Why Did God Put Me Here

I haven't published anything in quite some time so I thought I should catch up on things. First off; I'm still stuck in this little spot of Tennessee that some call Jellico, I still refer to it as Hell on earth. My life though has begun to go in directions I could never of thought of in quite some different ways.
Though I still stuck in a dead end job which I can't stand anymore; my only relief is my music these days. I had almost forgotten just how much I loved to play and how relieving it is. I begin to play and off into my own little world I go.
Now, to the question at hand, why on earth did God put me here? I find myself asking that question quite often these days. I just can't seem to get a grip on what purpose He has for me. I have lost more than I could of ever imagined in these last few years which has left me with more questions than answers as of late. I really thought that after the loss of my baby, nothing could get any worse. But, I guessed wrong. I'm now looking at being single again, rebuilding yet another NEW life, and facing the fact that I'm having to start all over again.
Since I pretty much lost everything, my home, car, etc. I am forced to try and rebuild a life in an economy that is merciless these days. I guess I should be thankful I even have a job but, even the owner has spoken of having to maybe close his doors before to long.
I have really begun to question this whole God has a purpose for my life thing. I'm really am beginning to think that either His so called purpose is for me to be miserable or that some angels must be having a good laugh at my expense. It seems the more I think about it, the agnostic I'm becoming. I find it hard to believe that I'm just going through some trial to test my faith. I'm actually getting rather sick of hearing that from allot of people around here, who have as the saying goes "Have It Made," telling me I've failed God or it's just a trial I must face. I look at them with their big homes and fine cars, their 2.5 children and their fat wallets and wonder what trials they've had to go through? I watch as they never have to wonder when or where their next meal might come from, how they might find a ride to work, or how they'll pay the rent and electric for the month. Yes, I have watch as some of them who now are facing the same possibilities as me, are now beginning to question themselves.
Yes, God was great and good and full of mercy and abundant with wealth for them till now. Now I see them asking the same questions I've been asking my whole life. But, I have found some answers to some of those questions. One being that I've spent my entire life living for everyone else, considering them first in everything, giving up everything I loved to do just to make everyone else happy, and conforming to what everyone else wants me to be just to keep them from being embarrassed or talked about.
I've had to live with hurt and pain just so others could be happy and get what they want from me. I've felt the after effects of being thrown to the side once they used me up and got all they wanted and there was nothing left to take.
Well, I've decided to change all that. I'm going to live my life for me and to be happy for once. There's something I've known for a long time but, never had the nerve to say. And that is I'm not going to live in anyone Else's shadow anymore, nor will I continue to be something I'm not for anyone else. I will not put walls up around me and my feelings anymore. I am somebody, I am a person who has thoughts, hopes, dreams, and feelings, just like everyone else. And I refuse to let my wants, needs, and desires go by the wayside any longer just so somebody won't be embarrassed or will gain from my losses.
I have decided to come out of my closet, remove myself from the shadows of others and into the sunshine. I"m removing these walls that surround me, and freeing myself from these chains that I've let others bind me with. I"m no longer going to do for others as they have not done unto me. I would never use anyone but, I'll be damned before I let others use me again anymore. I will live as I choose to, and not be ashamed or worry what others will think about me. I will find friends who are caring, loving , and compassionate, not those who are all about "what's in for me" attitudes.
I soon will be looking for a job in an area that no ones knows me, and start over. I've decided to leave this wasted life behind me and follow my heart and dreams. I will face that which has haunted me since childhood and embrace it as a dear friend. I now know who I am and will now accept it as I should of done ages ago. I've always know where my happiness layed, but for the happiness of all others I let it set put up in a forgotten closet or attic like an old favorite toy or comfortable pair of shoes that never got used anymore.
For those who wish to remain my friend, I can only say if you are a true friend than stay in contact with me, and don't judge me because, I'm what you may think of as a different person these days. Because before anyone decides to lay judgement upon me they should first look into a mirror and judge themselves by asking a few simple questions like; who did I offend today or hurt, and have I been a true friend or just someone trying to gain from others? You don't have to understand me, but to be a friend all that is required is compassion, caring, and love. All these should be unconditional, not based on whether I'm different or my views are not yours. As for those of you who like to call your selves Christian, then act like it, be Christ like. Not as the hypocrites are, who love the label as long as it serves their purpose.
P.S. Yes I have a new Tattoo. Now that was a shock to everyone including myself.

Eulogy for my Dear Friend

This post as it may seem odd but, just recently I was given the task of doing the eulogy for my dearest childhood friend who after only a short life of 45 years was tragically killed in an auto accident by a truck driver who was neither licensed and also under the influence of drugs. He crossed over the medium hitting them head on and killing my friend on impact. As this was hard enough being the first funeral in my ministry career to do, it has had a double impact as well for I never imagined it would be one of my closest childhood friends. For me I guess doing this particular post helps me to bring some closure to this tragic event as it had to be a closed casket funeral and I never got to say goodbye. I guess what really affected me most was the fact that his family are all devout atheists and did not want a religious eulogy. What made this even more trying was I knew Randy had given his life to Christ a short time ago and was immediately ostracized by his family members. So imagine if you will being asked to perform such a daunting task without bringing Christ into this picture? And moreover, being reminded by the only family member who had not forsaken him and was in charge of all the arrangements that on several occasions he had mentioned that if anything was to ever happen he wanted me to deliver his eulogy. As much as I wanted to, So as much as I may of wanted to, I couldn't say no.
So for anyone who may read this (though I doubt anyone does anymore) keep those two thing in mind. Much to the dismay of the family we both agreed to a compromise that meant I would open the eulogy with some verses of scripture and close with a prayer. My father a dedicated minister of 52 years once told me you never preach a funeral; that the person who has just past does that themselves by the life they lived. That all one can do is speak to the family and offer comfort to aid them in their time of grief.

Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love, time is eternity.
Hours fly, flowers die,
New days, new ways pass by,
Love stays. (Henry Van Dyke)

1Co 13:1 If I make use of the speech of men and of angels, and have not love, I am like sounding brass, or a clashing cymbal.
1Co 13:2 And if I have a great power, and have knowledge of all secret things; and if I have all belief, by which mountains may be moved from their place, but have not love, I am nothing.
1Co 13:3 And if I give all my goods to the poor, and if I give my body to be sacrificed, but have not love, it is of no benefit to me.
1Co 13:4 Love is never tired of waiting; love is kind; love has no envy; love has no high opinion of itself, love has no pride;
1Co 13:5 Loves’ ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for it’s self; it is not quickly made angry, it takes no account of malice;
1Co 13:6 It takes no pleasure in unkindness, but has joy in what is sincere;
1Co 13:7 Love has the power of understanding all things, to have trust in all things, in hoping all things.
1Co 13:8 Though the seer’s word may come to an end or our speech fail,
And wisdom have no more value,
Love has no end.

Though my heart is filled with much sadness at this time, my eulogy will not one of despair, nor of loss, and mourning, but it is one of hope, love, and celebration. I had the good fortune of knowing Randy, spending time and growing up with him. Moreover, I had this same good fortune to call Randy my friend. I can attest to the talents, good humor, strengths but also, the gentleness and kindness, to which he personified. Randy was the type of person who lived this life to the fullest, who took advantage of each and every minute. These were always the fundamental qualities that dominated Randy’s character.

Though now I may mourn the loss of such a beautiful person and friend, I will forever cherish that friendship I shared with him and celebrate the time we shared growing up together. For I believe he would want each of us to continue living our lives in the same manner he did. He would want us to dance again.

And rather than to mourn his death,
I believe he would want us to celebrate his life.

In keeping with that spirit of his life, I thought about the many things that Randy did to make me laugh. Such as, one time in our youth when I refused to go to any of the school dances because, I couldn’t dance. Randy did his best to teach me how to dance. I will never forget how Randy told me if anyone was ever born without rhythm, it was I. He would laugh at my two left feet and me but ultimately he finally succeeded and we were off to the school dances.

But, such was the way with Randy. We would laugh together ever acting the youths we were: Setting up all hours of the day & night with our record players and black vinyl records acting like we were superstars singing and laughing with each other, as we would talk about our lives and plans and all the other things best friends would do and talk about with each other.

But, that’s what best friends are for; to share in the joys and sometimes in the pain & hurts that we encounter on life’s highway; Randy was a friend who was always there when I was down, to lend a hand when I needed help, and to be there as we grew and learned. He was always there to encourage me, to push me to do better and be a better person. Randy was the embodiment this, a real and true friend.

But, just as we impatient youths can’t wait to grow up, life unfortunately, sometimes pulls us in different directions and we grow up becoming engulfed by a cruel world that leaves little time for us to just stop and smell the flower’s sweet scent on a cool breeze. Randy once told me that the real cruelty of being grown up and becoming that adult was that the world sometimes makes us forget that we should have little fun or a good laugh and dance everyday.

Yet in talking to my dear friend on an occasion a little time ago, I was reminded that for all my concerns of this world I needed to loosen up little and to remember how to dance again. That is why I choose to celebrate Randy’s life not, his death. There’s a song that goes “Life’s a dance you learn as you go.” I’m thankful that his last act of kindness to me was in reminding me sometimes we could all stand to dance every now and then in this life. To enjoy this miracle that is our lives, and to see the perfection of the child in all of us: The child that knows the honesty of love, the kindness of a friend, and the beauty of the spirit within all of us.

And it is that Spirit that is my dear friend Randy; and for as Long as we each remember her will never be gone from us, never pass away, and never fade. But, will continue to live in our hearts and minds. For it is the joyous memories of our dear friend and family member that he leaves with us; not the sadness that this life was tragically stopped and cut short, nor that for now our sight may be blurred by our tears of sadness but, that even though in Randy’s passing on to a higher plain, he leaves us with his living memory in the spirit of everyone he touched in this earthly life.

To the family; I mourn with you in your time of loss and hope that your grief will in time be replaced in time by the precious memories you have of him.
For of my dear friend, I can only say, he will continue to live on in my heart and spirit, for he has taught me the kindness and love of a friend and confidant, and has forever touched my life by showing me how to see through the eyes of my heart.

Though I do mourn for you my friend
And though I may cry,
And though you are leaving me
I do not say goodbye.
For goodbyes mean forever
Yet here you still remain.
Because, forever you will live
Here in my memories,
And forever in my heart
You will remain. (Thomas Barnes)
(That was for you dear friend, I love you, and will miss you)