The New Old Love of my Life!

The Girl of my dreams has called me. I've been in love with her for over 2 decades. I can't wait to see were this will led!

Why Did God Put Me Here

I haven't published anything in quite some time so I thought I should catch up on things. First off; I'm still stuck in this little spot of Tennessee that some call Jellico, I still refer to it as Hell on earth. My life though has begun to go in directions I could never of thought of in quite some different ways.
Though I still stuck in a dead end job which I can't stand anymore; my only relief is my music these days. I had almost forgotten just how much I loved to play and how relieving it is. I begin to play and off into my own little world I go.
Now, to the question at hand, why on earth did God put me here? I find myself asking that question quite often these days. I just can't seem to get a grip on what purpose He has for me. I have lost more than I could of ever imagined in these last few years which has left me with more questions than answers as of late. I really thought that after the loss of my baby, nothing could get any worse. But, I guessed wrong. I'm now looking at being single again, rebuilding yet another NEW life, and facing the fact that I'm having to start all over again.
Since I pretty much lost everything, my home, car, etc. I am forced to try and rebuild a life in an economy that is merciless these days. I guess I should be thankful I even have a job but, even the owner has spoken of having to maybe close his doors before to long.
I have really begun to question this whole God has a purpose for my life thing. I'm really am beginning to think that either His so called purpose is for me to be miserable or that some angels must be having a good laugh at my expense. It seems the more I think about it, the agnostic I'm becoming. I find it hard to believe that I'm just going through some trial to test my faith. I'm actually getting rather sick of hearing that from allot of people around here, who have as the saying goes "Have It Made," telling me I've failed God or it's just a trial I must face. I look at them with their big homes and fine cars, their 2.5 children and their fat wallets and wonder what trials they've had to go through? I watch as they never have to wonder when or where their next meal might come from, how they might find a ride to work, or how they'll pay the rent and electric for the month. Yes, I have watch as some of them who now are facing the same possibilities as me, are now beginning to question themselves.
Yes, God was great and good and full of mercy and abundant with wealth for them till now. Now I see them asking the same questions I've been asking my whole life. But, I have found some answers to some of those questions. One being that I've spent my entire life living for everyone else, considering them first in everything, giving up everything I loved to do just to make everyone else happy, and conforming to what everyone else wants me to be just to keep them from being embarrassed or talked about.
I've had to live with hurt and pain just so others could be happy and get what they want from me. I've felt the after effects of being thrown to the side once they used me up and got all they wanted and there was nothing left to take.
Well, I've decided to change all that. I'm going to live my life for me and to be happy for once. There's something I've known for a long time but, never had the nerve to say. And that is I'm not going to live in anyone Else's shadow anymore, nor will I continue to be something I'm not for anyone else. I will not put walls up around me and my feelings anymore. I am somebody, I am a person who has thoughts, hopes, dreams, and feelings, just like everyone else. And I refuse to let my wants, needs, and desires go by the wayside any longer just so somebody won't be embarrassed or will gain from my losses.
I have decided to come out of my closet, remove myself from the shadows of others and into the sunshine. I"m removing these walls that surround me, and freeing myself from these chains that I've let others bind me with. I"m no longer going to do for others as they have not done unto me. I would never use anyone but, I'll be damned before I let others use me again anymore. I will live as I choose to, and not be ashamed or worry what others will think about me. I will find friends who are caring, loving , and compassionate, not those who are all about "what's in for me" attitudes.
I soon will be looking for a job in an area that no ones knows me, and start over. I've decided to leave this wasted life behind me and follow my heart and dreams. I will face that which has haunted me since childhood and embrace it as a dear friend. I now know who I am and will now accept it as I should of done ages ago. I've always know where my happiness layed, but for the happiness of all others I let it set put up in a forgotten closet or attic like an old favorite toy or comfortable pair of shoes that never got used anymore.
For those who wish to remain my friend, I can only say if you are a true friend than stay in contact with me, and don't judge me because, I'm what you may think of as a different person these days. Because before anyone decides to lay judgement upon me they should first look into a mirror and judge themselves by asking a few simple questions like; who did I offend today or hurt, and have I been a true friend or just someone trying to gain from others? You don't have to understand me, but to be a friend all that is required is compassion, caring, and love. All these should be unconditional, not based on whether I'm different or my views are not yours. As for those of you who like to call your selves Christian, then act like it, be Christ like. Not as the hypocrites are, who love the label as long as it serves their purpose.
P.S. Yes I have a new Tattoo. Now that was a shock to everyone including myself.